Hubby and me rarely go out, but we had an occasion: to get to know some friends of his sister with special needs.
One of the things that struck me/us, was that we basically had the same family issues.
Families, ladies and gentlemen who aren’t aware of this, can be fickle things. Some are great and nice, some are small and nice, others are big, loud and obnoxious, and some even cruel and bastardly.
Hubby and the two friends seem to have the same problem: family who doesn’t give a flying blizzard if they’re even alive or not.
This is painful as it is, but the reason that led to the current situation was also the same: after the death of mother/stepmother, dad got hit by a spade of insanity.
The thing I will type here now, has, in itself, nothing to do with my father-in-law. I’ve heard it from different people after losing someone to a nasty disease (such as cancer, but also MS or anything else, probably). So yes, this occurred when my father-in-law became a widower, but apparently this happens more often after a sickbed before deathbed.
The clearing of the house. Every single item that either belonged to the disease or to the beloved who has died and used during some kind of treatment. Not even a lock of hair was saved from this cleaning. It is dreadful, as a familymember, to be part of this cleaning spree. You see all the signs of earthly belonings of the person you loved and just buried or cremated, flying about because the one who was married/together with that person, no longer wants it around.
Within six weeks, a new partner had been found to share intimacies with. This was someone who was introduced suddenly, and the fact that there was no click between the new person and the already there children didn’t concern the sad, left-with-nothing-father (in this case).
Ok so I can’t be sure if the latter is true- finding a new partner so quickly- but the cleaning up part quite is. I have a bit of reference now to be sure that this is, apparently, part of the mourning process of the one who stays behind. The ages of the widow(ers) were quite different: 32, 68 and 57.
What I’m saying is: during the process of mourning, dear widow(er)s of the one who just died of a nasty disease, DON’T BE SUCH A FUCKING BASTARD TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN!! No matter what age they are, 2, 30 or 60: they still have lost someone too! You’re not the only one who suffered. You’re not the only one in pain. You are the one that knew him/her best in a certain way, yes, but this is, moreover, a time to be there with your children and together become whole again.
Men usually can’t be alone. Even if it seems they cannot breath without their wives, if she has died from a nasty disease, watch out being a kid. A new mother is on the doorstep within a heartbeat.
And fathers are not very likely to say ‘no’ to the offer. At all. If anything, they’ll go for it.
So children: beware. Make sure you have everything on paper before anything nasty can be arranged by a new person in the life of the one you love. Because it will happen.
Life really can be very Cinderella-like. Without the happy ending, unfortunately.