Category Archives: Humour

Comedians and comedians.

Years ago a -then- friend told me he didn’t like Dawn French, and I went like ‘what?!’ in astonishment. My parents made me and my siblings grow up with this fab lady and her circle of friends, thanks very much. I grew up to adore the British sense of humour that is French & Saunders, The Young Ones, A Bit of Fry & Laurie, AbFab and so on. I can’t remember much of all, I’ll admit, but to this day I’m highly amused by watching reruns of all of them, on whatever platform.

Including Dawn French.
This friend (who is no longer a friend by the way) said to me: ‘all she does is saying “hello there, I’m fat, now laugh because I’m FUNNY!”‘. I had never noticed that. Nor do I do so now.
Has she, like another funny colleague of a likewise stature, used her physical appearance in her advantage? Yes, very much so. I think both Dawn French and Jo Brand are hilarious. There are many more of the same comedian power, of course.

Then I read and saw a bit of another female comedian with a similar bodyfeatures, so to speak. One that is funny, but not especially British funny. Talking English, yes, but that’s not all it takes to be British, and you know it.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard either of the previous British ladies claim that their lifestyle was specifically healthy, just that they very much enjoy being themselves, thank you very much. They do not wish to be defined by stupid weight. Which is understandable. You talk about weight like you do about the weather: only if you can’t, for the life of you, think of something else to talk to with someone. Because they’re either incredibly boring, or you don’t know them well enough yet. Something like that.

This other comedian is, however, throwing up quite some claims. Telling haters to basically ‘go f*** yourselves, I’m getting paid for this’ and all that. While I think: you could do better things with your time, like cherish the fans you do have.

Just the other day I saw how Dawn French has had to cope with quite a bit being married to Lenny Henry, for the reactions they got from outsiders. It filled me with disgust to know that a lovely couple as them has had to deal with racism in this day and era. I thought ‘bloody hell! How have I never known about this before?’ and I think it’s simply got to do with the fact that Dawn and Lenny, at the time, despite being utterly hurted by it, somehow found it in their way to not address that problem in the press.
This is a bold assumption, especially given that I’ve never lived in the UK, so I have no idea what the paparazzi there is and was like at the time. Also, I wasn’t born during a large part of it, but that seems the teeniest detail here, given that so much of the press before is still traceable online these days.

Back to my point: I get that people with a troubled digestive system, or a body that doesn’t necessarily behave as one wishes, or someone who is simply enjoying who they are, want to make bright and clear to those who seem like the fashion police, that they should sod off: I don’t think that what this specific comedian is doing, works. I’ve seen a small bit of their works, and though it’s funny, it does seem centered around this very ‘problem’. And I don’t even think they are that obese, really. Compared to how I know Dawn French, Oprah or Janet Jackson once looked like, this is just a medium size, really.

If you keep swearing at those who do, you’ll only receive more ‘boo!’s from the crowd, me thinks? And though I don’t mind about anyone’s figure -it’s up to you, not my life- you should be aware that in many cases, obesity isn’t the healthiest of lifestyles, that eating too much sugar CAN lead to diabetes and so on. Maybe not to you, the one who is making the joke, but with diabetes being so broadly spread, it’s a joke that can only be made in a quite small crowd, I guess. And obesity has been proved to be a bigger problem, globally, than starvation.
You can joke about it, of course, but your jokes become more sour the minute you have to defend yourself because of how you look. I never saw Damn or Jo do that. But then again, they’re British.

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Posted by on March 5, 2018 in Humour, Opinion


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Het Kerstdiner/ The Christmas Dinner

‘Fucking hell, Juultje, knoei eens niet zo!’ Renate onderbrak haar gesprek met de schoonvader van haar schoonvader om haar vierjarige dochter terecht te wijzen, die de oerlelijke, net nieuwe servetten van de dochter van deze schoonvader gebruikte als canvas met haar bordje ossenstaartsoep.
‘Dat is niet érg hoor’, sprak Renate’s schoonvader Theo daarop goedgemutst.
‘Nou ja, het vlekt wél’, Bettina, Theo’s vrouw.
‘Dan had je maar iets moeten maken wat bij de servetten matchte, schat’, sprak Bettina’s vader, lonkend naar Renate. Iets waar zijn vrouw niets van moest hebben, maar gezien de hoeveelheid drank die hij al achter de kiezen had, maakte het hem nu niets meer uit.
Hoe zijn dochter zo’n pietlut had kunnen worden was ‘m een raadsel.
‘Wat zou er eigenlijk voor gerecht pássen, bij zo’n kleur als deze?’ deed Harry, Renate’s man en Theo’s zoon, een duit in het zakje.
‘Perzikkots’, Sem, Bettina’s oudste zoon.
‘Getverdémme!’ riep Juultje met een vies gezicht, om daarna in lachen uit te barsten. Het werkte aanstekelijk. De hele tafel deed mee, zelfs Tanja, Harry’s zus, die toch altijd moeite had met sociale situaties.
‘Ik denk dat kaassoufflé er ook wel goed bij kan’, vulde ze bovendien aan. Tanja was als enige vegetarisch.
‘Genoeg! Ik begrijp de hint, en nu weer lekker eten graag’, stoorde Bettina zich teveel. Wat Renate onzin vond.
‘Hoezo, wat is er mis met wat gezonde conversatie tijdens het eten?’
‘Niks, maar dit was geen gewone conversatie, dit ging over iets smerigs’
‘Hypothetisch gezien’.
‘Ik word er toch een beetje onpasselijk van’.
‘Volgens mij ben jij de enige, ik vond het een creatieve uitspatting. Bedenken welke kleuren er bij servetten passen. Er bestaat volgens mij niet eens wat tuttigers?!’ bekritiseerde Renate stiekem het onderwerp.
‘Nou….’ begon de Trees, Bettina’s moeder.
‘Ja? U had meteen beeld?’ nu had iedereen beeld. Wat Renate dondersgoed wist. Harry kon een proestlach niet onderdrukken.
‘Renate, kom op, laat het gaan’, sprak Theo dreigend.
‘Goh, wat klink je vaderlijk. Werkt dat bij jullie zo? Jij spreekt haar berispend toe en…’
‘Renaat, kom op’, Harry onderbrak haar, ‘we zijn nog niet eens aan het toetje toe’.
‘Oh ja, wat was dat ook alweer?’ Renate pakte de menukaart erbij.
‘Ambachtelijk bereide appelmoes met biologische slagroom’, las ze.
‘Nou, dat kleurt tenminste wél bij de servetten’, concludeerde ze.
‘Mag ik dat dan op de servetten smeren?’ vroeg Juultje.
‘Ja hoor schat, maar eet eerst even je soep op’.
‘Jij zei poep!’ schaterde Juultje.
‘Nietes, ik zei “eet je soep op”’ herhaalde ze, om te horen dat het wel net léék of ze dat zei.
‘Poep! Poep! Poep! Poep!’ riep Juultje.
‘Nou ja, zeg, Juul, dat zég je toch niet tijdens het eten?’ Harry, hulpeloos. Hij keek voor hulp naar Renate. Die nam een hapje ossenstaartsoep, raakte, per ongeluk expres het bovenbeen van haar schoonvader’s schoonvader aan, tot groot genoegen van deze, en deed net of ze het poep-geroep van hun kleuter niet hoorde.
Het was goed zo, anarchie.
Een vrolijk kerstfeest werd het.


[dit was een van m’n eerste deelnames aan een schrijfwedstrijd, die ik, zoals gewoonlijk, niet gewonnen heb. De opdracht was om over een kerstdiner te schrijven, max 500 woorden]

‘Goodness gracious, Jools, don’t spill so much?!’ Helen interrupted her talk with the father-in-law of her father-in-law to correct her four-year-old daughter, who was using the incredibly ugly napkins of the daughter of this father as a canvas with her little plate of oxtailsoup.
‘Oh that’s quite alright’, Theo, her father-in-law shushed.
‘It does stain quite badly’, Bettina, Theo’s wife.
‘Then you should’ve prepared something that matched the napkins, dear’ her father spoke, ogling at Helen. Something his wife quite disapproved of, but since he had had quite a few drinks, he no longer cared for her opinion. How his daughter turned out to be such a nitpicker was beyond him anyway.
‘What WOULD match with a color like this?’ Harry, Helen’s husband and Theo’s son, provoked.
‘Peachpuke’ Sam, Bettina’s eldest.
‘Ew, gross!’ little Jools yelled, followed by such a contagious giggle that within no time at all, the entire table joined. Even Tanya, Harry’s sister, who always had quite a problem with social situations.
‘I think cheese soufflé could match it’ she added. Tanya was the only vegetarian at the table.
‘Enough! I get the hint! Please just enjoy the nice food now, please!’ Bettina got too annoyed. Helen quite disagreed.
‘Why? What’s wrong with a bit of a proper conversation during dinner?’
‘Nothing, but this wasn’t an ordinary conversation. This was about something filthy’
‘Hypothetically speaking’
‘It is making me feel a bit unwell’
‘I think you’re the only one. I thought it was a creative excess. Thinking what colors might match the napkins. I don’t think there’s anything more fussy’ Helen secretly critized the subject.
‘Well…’ said Molly, Bettina’s mother.
‘Yes? You had an image right away?’ everyone had, now. Something Helen knew too well. Harry couldn’t repress his snort laughter.
‘Come on, Helen, let it go’, Theo spoke on a threatening tone.
‘Wow, you sound like a proper dad. Is that how it goes between you guys? You speak to her strictly and she….’
‘Come on, Hel’, Harry spoke, we haven’t even gotten to the dessert yet’.
‘Ah yes, what was that gonna be?’ Helen took the menu card.
‘Traditionally prepared apple sauce with whipped cream’, she read.
‘Well, at least THAT matches the napkins’, she concluded.
‘Can I smear that on the napkins then?’ Jools enquired.
‘Yes dear, just empty your bowl first’
‘Empty my bowels first??’ Jools started to giggle again.
‘No, I said “empty your bowl first”‘ she repeated, and heard how it nearly sounded the same.
‘Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!’ Jools yelled.
‘Jools, you can’t say that during dinner!’ Harry said, helpless. He looked for help at Helen. Who avoided eye contact, ate her oxtailsoup in silence, touching on purpose by accident the upperleg of her father-in-laws father-in-law, who so very much enjoyed that, and she completely ignored the poop-yelling of her toddler.
It was a merry Christmas.
Best served warm.

[this was my entry for a writing context I didn’t win, as usual. The assignment was to write a story about Christmas dinner and to stay within 500 words. As I translated it, the word count may not be the same in English though]


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Posted by on January 30, 2018 in Daily life, Humour, Uncategorized


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Einde Luidruchtige Huisgenoten/End of the Loud Roommates/End Compagni Rumorosi


‘Jongens, we móeten echt een huisvergadering houden’, sprak Karel. Al geruime tijd had hij last van de geluidsoverlast van Leon, de mooiboy in het huis. Leon liet zijn computer met muziek graag snoeihard aanstaan. Ook als hij niet thuis was. En in tegenstelling tot Jenna, Pien en Hannah, die hun deur ook weleens níet op slot deden als ze er niet waren, sloot Leon altijd af. Ook als hij nachtdienst had. Voor die arme Karel geen pretje, aangezien hij naast Leon’s kamer zat.
‘Ja, en we moeten Fanny zover krijgen dat ze dat klotekonijn van d’r alleen in d’r éigen kamer los laat lopen, want ik ben nu zaagsel en konijnenkeutels die van háár zijn aan het opruimen in míjn huisdienst!’ mopperde Bernard chagrijnig. Hij had al verschillende aanvaringen gehad met Fanny. Als die een boze blik op je wierp, voelde je je spontaan krimpen. Van watermeloen naar sesamzaadje. Fanny liet zich door niemand iets vertellen. Ondertussen was ook Jenna de keuken in komen lopen.
‘Kan dan ook het feit dat Oxana en haar vriendinnetje zo luidruchtig zijn, op de agenda?’ vroeg ze.
‘Prima, doen we die allemaal wel onder de noemer ‘geluidsoverlast’, besloot Theo, die al aan tafel zat met een lijst voor mogelijke vergaderonderwerpen.

Dat werd nog leuk, dacht Josephine.

Omdat zoiets als ‘een vergadering organiseren’ nogal wat voeten in de aarde had met vijftien huisgenoten, duurde het nog even voor de daadwerkelijke vergadering plaats zou vinden. De agenda was sneller gemaakt. Voor Jenna een lijdensweg tot het verlossende moment. Maar toen gebeurde er voortijdig wat.

Josephine liep Oxana’s vriendinnetje tegen het lijf. In de keuken. Josephine had geen idee hoe ze heette, maar haar gezicht was wel degelijk bekend.

‘Oh, hoi!’ groette ze haar, want een onaardig meisje was het niet.
‘Hey, hoe is het?’ vroeg de Vriendin vriendelijk, aan het klieren met ovenbroodjes, maar voornamelijk de verpakking. Dat krijg je in een slecht georganiseerde keuken. Daar liggen geen scharen in om die verpakking open te knippen. Josephine bood haar uiterst botte, maar verder effectieve zakmes aan.
‘Ah, dank je!’
‘Graag gedaan. Ben jij er ook toevallig, volgende week?’ vroeg ze vagelijk. Zelfs Josephine vroeg zich af waarom. Wat had Oxana’s vriendin met die huisvergadering, waar ze op doelde, te maken?
‘Ehh ja, dat zou kunnen, weet ik nog niet, hoezo?’
‘Nou, we hebben een huisvergadering volgende week’, zei Josephine afwezig, op zoek naar een schoon kopje.
‘Ah, doen jullie dat vaak?’
‘Nee, dat niet. Af en toe, als het nodig is. We hebben wat geluidsoverlast’, flapte Josephine er toen ineens uit, terwijl ze een kopje uit een afwasteil hengelde en het afspoelde.
‘Oh? Ik dacht dat de muren hier zo goed geïsoleerd waren?’ sprak de vriendin verbaasd. Ze had de broodjes inmiddels op het rooster van de oven gekregen, die omwikkeld was met alumininium folie wat zwart zag van alle andere zaken die daar al op verbrand waren.
‘Ja, de muren wel, maar via de ruimtes boven de deuren en het stopcontact komt er nog aardig wat door’, legde Josephine uit, spelend met het kopje.
Dit was niet waarom ze dit gesprek begonnen was. Ze wilde dit gesprek ook niet voeren. En toch was dat precies wat ze deed. Welkom, spontaniteit en flapuiterigheid. Shiiiiiiit!
‘Heeft iemand dan te hard staande muziek? Ik heb het nooit gehoord?’ merkte de vriendin verbaasd op, schoof de broodjes in de oven, nadat ze ze voorzichtig wat natter had gemaakt.
Yep. Ze moest het gaan zeggen. Dit was hét moment. Ze wilde het nog steeds niet. Dat dóe je niet. Niet bij de wildvreemde. Bij je eigen huisgenoot, MISSCHIEN, maar niet met degene die je het minst kent van de twee, wel?!
‘Nee, geen muziek….’ zei Josephine, licht grijnzend. De vragende blik terug nodigde téveel uit tot concreet antwoord.
‘De Daad’ , zei ze dus maar.
‘Oh?’ de vriendin keek Josephine even heel vragend aan, nieuwsgierig naar wie dat koppel dan wel was?
Josephine wilde het eigenlijk niet zeggen, maar de stilte die al was gevallen werd langer, en langer, en nog langer, en de grijns op haar mond sprak, zeker in combinatie met het langdurig aankijken van de Vriendin. Ineens lazerde het spreekwoordelijke kwartje als een baksteen naar beneden.
De Vriendin kreeg een kleur als vuur.
‘Oh! Daar hoeven jullie geen huisvergadering over te houden, hoor!’ sprak ze vlot, en maakte zich uit de voeten.

Sindsdien was het stil in de kamer van Oxana. Het vriendinnetje kwam langs, maar Jenna kon weer slapen.


‘Guys, we really need a house meeting!’ Charley said. He had been bothered by the noise Leon made for quite a while now. Leon, the pretty boy of the house, who always left his computer on while he was out, playing songs at incredibly loud levels. And unlike some others, Leon actually locked his door when he went out. As an intern in the hospital. Serving night shifts. Charley being his direct roommate, he had to endure quite a lot, poor sod.
Yes, and we need to convince Fanny to let that blasted rabbit of hers only hop around in her own room. At this rate I’m cleaning up after that little shite!’ Bernie said, frustrated. Nearly no-one could truly get on with Fanny, but Bernie and Fanny seemed an especially bad combo. As soon as Bernie opened his mouth, Fanny’s face went dark. That was the effect she had on most people, in honesty. Fanny gave the orders. If you had something against anything you said, you better take the floor well prepared, since Fanny was up for it.
‘Alright, so can Oxana and her friend be added to the list too, then?’ Jenna, who had just stepped into the kitchen and had quite understood what the subject was all about.
‘Sure, I think I’ll just put it on the list as ‘Too Loud Noises’ or something’, Theo said, seated at the kitchen table, as he was making an agenda for the meeting.

‘Well, this is gonna be fun’, Josephine thought to herself.

Because they had no less than fifteen roommates, the meeting couldn’t be held immediately. It would take at least another week and a half before it was actually scheduled. So Jenna had to endure quite a bit more. Still, it wouldn’t take until the meeting, because something occurred.

Josephine ran into Oxana’s lover.
Josephine had no idea what her name was, but her face was, by now, quite familiair. 

‘Oh, hi!’ Josephine greeted the girl cheery, as the girl wasn’t a nasty one.
Hey, how are you?’ responded the Girlfriend, occupied opening a package of oven rolls that wouldn’t open, as the kitchen wasn’t fully equipped and therefore missed out on things like scissors. Josephine offered her blunt pocket knife, which was received gratefully.
‘Ah, thanks!’
‘You’re welcome. Are you here, by any chance, next week?’ Josephine suddenly asked. She had no idea why. Why would this girl have anything to do with their house meeting?
“Errr I’m not sure yet, why?’
‘Well, we’re having a house meeting’, Josephine answered, in search of a clean cup. A hard find in this kitchen.
‘Ah, you do that often?’
‘Not really, just when it’s necessary, I suppose. We’re having trouble with noise disturbance’, she suddenly said, when she’d found a cup.
“Oh? I thought the walls were so well isolated here?’ the girlfriend said, surprised, having spread the rolls on a tray with the dirtiest tin foil ever, after sprinkling them with a bit of water.
‘Yes, it’s quite well isolated, but through the compartments above the doors and through the electrical sockets, sounds still come through’ Josephine explained. She actually didn’t want to say it. She hadn’t planned on doing that. And yet, there she was. Having this conversation. Welcome to spontanity and not being able to keep your mouth shut. Shiiiiiiiiit!
‘Is anybody playing loud music? I’ve never heard it?’ the girlfriend mentioned, surprised. She was about to shove the bread rolls in the oven. Yup. This was the moment Josephine wasn’t waiting for. She had to tell. She didn’t want to. I mean, aren’t you supposed to mention this kind of stuff to the one you actually live with? In other words, Oxana herself?
‘No, it’s not music that’s bothering’, Josephine grinned. Because that’s what the subject itself did to her. It made her an instant prude. Josephine didn’t like to talk about sex to someone she didn’t know. But the questionmark hanging so obviously above the girlfriend’s head, did require an answer.
‘The Deed’, answered Josephine, in lack of a better word.
‘Oh?’ the girlfriend was all ears now, kept staring at Josephine, in hopes of getting to know who was that noisy couple. There was no way back. No way at all. Josephine was still looking for words, when she suddenly realised that the silence she’d dropped, had taken too long. She HAD to say something, right? She looked with an uneasy smile at the curious girlfriend, and suddenly noticed the quarter dropped down like a brick from the Berlin wall after a sledge hammer got to it.
The girlfriend’s face was suddenly on fire.
‘Oh! You don’t need to have a meeting about that!’ and off she went, out of the kitchen.

Ever since, it went quiet in Oxana’s room. And thankfully, Jenna could go back to sleep again.



‘Gente, dobbiamo bisogno davvero un riunione di casa!’ ha detto Carlo. Ne era stato infastidito per qualche tempo a Léon, la casanova della casa. Léon amava la sua musica molto rumorosa, anche quando non era neppure nella casa. E diversamente da Hannah, Pina e Gina, Léon sempre chiuso la sua camera con chiave. Anche se avesse il turno di notte. Povero Carlo, che viveva accanto a Léon.
‘Sì, e qualcuno per favore dire a Fanny che lei lasciare il suo coniglio solo da sola nella stessa camera. Ora io lavo escrementi di questo cazzo coniglio e l’animale non è mio!’ Bernardo gridò frustato. Lui ha avuti collisioni diversi con Fanny, perché lei non ascoltava nessuno. Uno sguardo da lei e si ritrasse. Dall’anguria al seme di sesamo. A questo momento, anche Gina entrata la cucina comune, e ha ascoltava il sogetto.
‘Per favore, anche aggiunge il sesso tra Oxana e la sua fidanzata!’ lei chiamava.
‘Accordo’, Theo ha detto, l’ha scritto sul foglio di carta, ‘semplice scrivo “rumorosa”, OK?’
Era accordo.

‘Sarà divertente’ Giuseppina ha pensata sarcastico.

Com’è normale in una casa di 15 residenti, al meno una settimana passata prima era un occasione di avere un riunione di casa. E qualcosa diversa succede.

Giuseppina ha incontrata la fidanzata di Oxana, nella cucina comune. Giuseppina non ha avuta una idea quale era il suo nome, ma la sua faccia, sì, lei ha vista.

‘Oh, ciao!’ ha dice alla Fidanzata, perché non era una ragazza male.
‘Ciao, come stai?’ la Fidanzata chiesta, stava scompigliando con un paio di pane per il forno. Difficile senza un coltello adeguato. Nella questa cucina in particolare prevalse l’anarchia. Il che significava: niente forbici. Giuseppina offerta il suo coltellino svizzero smussato.
‘Ah, grazie!’ la Fidanzata rispose.
‘Sei qui la prossima settimana?’ Giuseppina chiesta. Non sapeva nemmeno perché. Era un riunione di casa, questa Fidanzata non era la sua coinquilina. Perché era importante che la Fidanzata era qua o no?
‘Ehhhh non lo so ancora, perche?’
‘Ci abbiamo un riunione di rumorosi nella casa’, Giuseppina spiegava, alla ricerca di una tazza. Un ritrovamento in questa cucina.
‘Ah? Si fa spesso, incontri?’ lei chiesta.
‘No, non veramente. Quando è necessario. Ci sono alcuni chi soffrono di disturbo acustico’, ha detto all’improvviso. Lei finalmente ha trovava una tazza.
‘Oh? Pensavo che le pareti fossero così ben isolate qui?’ la Fidanzata rispose sorpreso, aveva steso i rotoli sul foglio di alluminio più sporco di sempre.
‘Sì, le pareti e tetti sono, ma non le prese elettriche oppure i vani portaoggetti sopra le porte’, Giuseppina spiegò. Effettivamente non voleva dire. Lei non ha avuta un piano per fare questo. Eppure quello stava per accadere. Avendo questa conversazione. Lei. Perché lei era così spontanea, grazie! Cazzzooooooooo!
‘È qualcuno che suona musica ad alto volume? Non ho mai sentito?’ la Fidanzata era sorpresa.  Stava per mettere i panini nel forno. Sì. Il momento era lì. Giuseppina sapeva. Il momento lei non voleva essere da parte. Giuseppina sentiva che doveva dirlo. Ma questa era la Fidanzata, non la sua compagna di stanza! Lei davvero non voleva dire. Però la sua faccia era un grosso punto interrogativo.
‘L’Atto’, Giuseppina rispose, a causa di un improvviso attacco di prudenza.
‘Oh?’ il punto interrogativo diventata più grande, non meno. Lei davvero voleva sappere chi erano la coppia così rumorosa? Capì che non c’era modo di tornare indietro. Era il proprio momento. Giuseppina lei non aveva ancora detto nulla, quando si rese conto che il silenzio aveva impiegato troppo tempo. Giuseppina sorrise, guardò alla Fidanzata negli occhi, pronta per dire, alla ricerca di parole, quando il penny è caduto con la Fidanzata. Come un mattone.
La faccia di Fidanzata divenne rossa come il fuoco.
‘Oh, Dio! Non è necessario per avere un riunione di questo!’ lei rispose, e quasi corsa fuori dalla cucina.

Dopo, era sempre tranquilla nella stanza di Oxana, e Gina riuscì a dormire di nuovo…

(dit is onderdeel van de bundel ‘Het Studentenhuis’)è corsa fuori dalla cucina


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Luidruchtige Huisgenoten

Luidruchtige Huisgenoten

Op een avond zaten ze met een aantal in de gemeenschappelijke huiskamer Friends te kijken.
Leuk en gezellig hingen ze op elkaar op de bank. Toen kwam Jenna hoogst vermoeid en in haar nachthemd binnen stappen.
‘Hallooooo’ groette die, wat teneergeslagen.
‘Wat is er met jou aan de hand?’ vroeg Theo verbaasd, zijn hoofd gedeeltelijk op de buik van Irene, zijn benen tegen het afbladderende behang.
‘Ik kan niet slapen’, klaagde Jenna.
‘Moet ik een liedje voor je zingen?’ opperde Josephine. Hannah grinnikte.
‘Haha, zou dat helpen dan? Kun jij zingen?’ Jenna was naar de waterkoker gelopen, vulde die met water.
‘Ik kan zingen, jazeker, maar het komt wel wisselend m’n keel uit hoor’, verzekerde Josephine aan Hannah.
‘D’r liggen d’r twee nogal wat geluid te produceren’, zei Jenna toen mokkend tegen de waterkoker.
‘He?’ ze keken haar wat niet-begrijpend aan vanaf hun bank-hang-gelegenheid.
‘Onze Russische huisgenoot Oxana heeft een vriendje’, lichtte Jenna toen toe.
‘Is het zo erg?’ vroeg Theo verbaasd.
‘Ik heb de afgelopen week meer Russisch geleerd dan ik ooit zal kunnen gebruiken’, zuchtte Jenna vermoeid, haar hoofd heen en weer halend, om de spieren wat losser te maken.
‘Hier, kom even zitten’, bood Josephine aan. Jenna maakte dankbaar gebruik van dit aanbod, nestelde zich tussen de leuning en Josephines rechterdij.
‘Wat voor Russisch dan?’ Irene, benieuwd.
‘Ik denk niet dat het het soort is wat je kunt gebruiken in een conversatie bij de thee. Gok ik zo, tenminste?’ merkte Josephine subtiel op.
‘Zijn ze nu bezig?’ vroeg Irene.
‘Uh-huh’, knikte Jenna. Irene stond op, liep richting deur, Theo daarmee berovend van zijn lekkere hoofdsteuntje.
‘Doe normaal!’ riep Theo gekscherend naar Irene, maar ze was al weg, de deur uit. Theo sprong er achteraan. Hij lag toch al niet lekker meer. Toen volgde Karel. En Leon.
‘Nou ja zeg, jongens!’ schaterde Josephine. Ze stond eveneens op.
‘Nou zeg, ga jij nou ook kijken??’ vroeg Jenna verbolgen aan Josephine, toen die de deur van de huiskamer opentrok. Jenna voelde zich duidelijk verraden. Of haar gebrek aan nachtrust er niet toe deed.
‘Nee, echt niet’, antwoordde ze, op een toon die geruststellend moest klinken, terwijl ze de andere deur, naar de voordeur, ook opentrok en om de hoek daarvan keek.
Er stond nu een troepje huisgenoten voor de deur van Oxana. Josephine wilde wel brullen ‘ga weg daar, eikels!’ maar realiseerde dat Oxana en haar vriend dat dan mogelijk zouden horen. Dat leek nog gênanter dan wat nu het geval was. Als het geluid ophield (want ook dát hoorde Josephine), zouden ze zich echt wel uit de voeten maken.
‘Jemig, het zijn ook net kleuters’, sprak Josephine hoofdschuddend toen ze haar hoofd weer van de gang haalde.
‘Al wat we nu nog nodig hebben is een schoolkrant’, giechelde Hannah.
‘Goed idee, als jij ‘m dan vult met de rest, hebben we bij deze de roddelrubriek al klaar’, vulde Josephine aan. De bank was zo goed als leeg. De Muppet Show was leeggelopen bij de belofte aan een live voorstelling.
‘Hee, waar is Jenna?’
‘Ik ben hier!’ riep die van om de hoek in de keuken.
‘Ik schenk mezelf thee in. Daarna ga ik opnieuw proberen te slapen. Als dat dan tenminste mogelijk is’.
Ze gingen met z’n drieën op de bank zitten en wachtten tot de jongens en Irene weer van de gang kwamen.
‘Mijn hemel zeg, wat een geluid produceren die twee!’ Theo was duidelijk onder de indruk.
‘Terwijl de deuren toch zo goed isoleren?’ Irene, hoogst verbaasd over het falen van techniek.
‘Het kan ook van die bergruimtes boven de deur komen he’, vulde Jenna aan.
‘Daar heb ik van alles liggen’ zei Josephine
‘Ik niet’, verzuchtte Jenna.
‘Ik heb niet genoeg kasten, dus wat daar niet in past, prop ik in dat luik’, wijdde Josephine uit.
‘Alles past in mijn kast’, gromde Jenna.
‘Zal ik wat zooi van mij in jouw ruimte mikken dan?’ bood Josephine aan.
‘Zeg zeg, nog even en ik word weer opgewonden!’ zei Theo grinnikend.
‘Alsjeblieft zeg, hou op! Jullie zijn weer terug. Dan zijn ze klaar, toch? Dan kan ik terug. Eindelijk lekker slapen’ Jenna was chagrijnig, maar dan kon je haar niet kwalijk meer nemen.
‘Joe, slaap lekker’.
En dat was dat. Voor die avond.

(dit hoofdstuk is onderdeel van de bundel ‘Het Studentenhuis’  van M. Lanen-de Vries)


Biologieles / Biology class

Op de middelbare school waar ik zat waren alleen maar afdankertjes van andere scholen te vinden. Ikzelf was niet beter. Ik begon in het tweede jaar, zoals de meesten. In het derde jaar kregen we er twee nieuwe klasgenoten bij. Een van hen, een jongen genaamd Abram, bezorgde de klas op een dag veel gegiechel.
Toen dat gebeurde, zat het lokaal van de strenge docente Natuurkunde vol. Het lokaal, waar ook scheikunde en biologie werden gegeven, beschikte over tafels met in het midden een wastafel en eromheen branders, voor het doen van proefjes bij de verschillende vakken. Het was door de opzet van die tafels (denk aan een schoorsteen, maar dan kleiner) niet altijd mogelijk daar met lange benen helemaal behoorlijk aan te gaan zitten. Je zat toch altijd een beetje klem, je benen strekken was er niet bij. Tenzij je schuin ging zitten. Vanwege die wastafel in het midden zat je wel beschut. Boeken voor je leggen en stiekem smsjes versturen was niet zo’n probleem.
Zelf zat ik enkele tafels verder zo naïef als een deur te wezen. Was ik heel goed in, toendertijd. Nog steeds trouwens. Bezig met mijn taken (want die docente was aardig, maar erg op de regels). Ik stond liever in een goed boekje.
Er was commotie en hilariteit die dag, maar niet meer dan ik al gewend was. Het betrof een Montessorischool, dus ieder werd geacht voor z’n eigen leerproces verantwoordelijk te zijn. Geen klassikale lessen dus. Sterker nog: als klas zaten we op een dag nauwelijks bij elkaar. Alleen voor vaste lesuren. Het enige ‘lessige’ aan zo’n les was dat je, terwijl je wiskunde (bijvoorbeeld) zat te doen en vast kwam te zitten met een vraag, er ook daadwerkelijk een wiskunde docent bij de hand was om je vraag aan te stellen. Je kon net zo goed een ander boek open slaan overigens, geen haan die ernaar kraaide. Ja, OK, de betreffende docent sprak je aan, maar dat duurde maar tot die weer terug bij zijn of haar bureau was. Dat viel dus wel mee.

Het was pas na de les, toen Abram het lokaal verliet en leerlingen om hem heen ‘m recht in z’n gezicht uitlachte voor de enorme vochtplek op z’n broek, dat ik door begon te hebben wat ik had ‘gemist’. Hij had zich af zitten trekken bij het zicht op een van onze aantrekkelijkere klasgenotes. Door de wastafel hadden alleen leerlingen die achter en naast hem zaten, iets gemerkt. Jammer was dan wel dat hij een trainingsbroek droeg.

In the middle school I attended were only pupils that had previously been attending other school. I wasn’t any better myself. I started there my second year, like most. In the third year, we were presented with two new classmates. One of them, a boy named Abram, quite caused a stir one day.
When this happened, the classroom of the strict teacher Nature Science was completely filled. The classroom, where Chemics and Biology were also taught, had tables with sinks and burners, for doing practices with the different subjects given there. It was because of those tables (think of a mini version of a chimney) not always that possible to stretch ones longish legs while seated at these tables. You were always a bit restricted. Unless you sat down like you were about to enjoy the sunshine or something. Because of that sink in the middle, you were quite hidden though. Putting your books in a certain angle gave you full phone access if wanted.
I myself was being naieve like always. I’m not sure why, but I was NEVER aware of anything exciting happening. That’s my fulltime job these days. Not noticing stuff. Anyway, I was just doing my schoolworks (because, as said, the teacher was nice, but quite strict on rules) as I was trying to be a good student.
There was a bit of commotion and hilarity that day, but not that much more than I was used to already. It was a Montessori school (‘educate oneself in ones own rhythm’) so everyone was ought to be responsible for your own tasks, thank you very much. We didn’t even really sit together as a class much, most of the day. All years mixed, mostly. The teachers were there to answer your questions, but everyone had books of their own level, so it could be a question on any level, at any hour. If anything, it’s a great method to keep any teacher on their toes, really!

It wasn’t until after class, when Abram left the classroom and fellow pupils laughed at him, that I noticed I had apparently ‘missed out’ on something. He had jerked off looking at one of our more attractive fellow classmates. Because of the sink, only pupils seated directly behind him had witnessed what had happened exactly.

It was too bad really that he was wearing jogging trousers.

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Posted by on November 18, 2017 in Daily life, Humour


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What about Eve?

‘Where the hell is Eve?!’ Burt shouted, after stumbling downstairs, still sleepdrunk.
He had heard an unusual noise from the backyard. Which had made him decide to walk towards the sound. Which had now resulted in him seeing what it was that made that sound.
It was one of those moments, that simply only ever happened when Eve was to be found somewhere.
Why on earth he would request for her presence was beyond knowledge though, as it wouldn’t help a thing. It wouldn’t help anything, except it being slightly more logical that there appeared to be a cow lying in the backyard, just in front of the sandbox Burt had put there only days ago, to please his son Sammy, who was nearly two years of age.

‘Eve, I think…’Mary-Ann, his wife, wanted to fill Burt in, who was raging with fury by now. She had followed him as she had figured it was time to get up anyway.
His neck had a nice red color. Though Mary-Ann wasn’t nearly as happy with Burt’s rage, she had to admit she liked the particular color that had formed in Burts’ neck.

If it had been a shade in a fabric, she’d most definitely want to wear it.

‘I don’t care!’ Burt shouted. Mary-Ann could have known that. The question of the whereabouts of her daughter, were rhetorical, merely a byproduct of what was important now: how to get rid of this particular cow?
‘It’s just that in moments like this, she feels even less like my daughter’, Burt explained, though it was quite hurtfull.
‘Oh you bastard!’ Mary-Ann cried. That was to be expected. Don’t ever insult a woman’s kid. If you touch her kid, you touch her. Wrong, period.
‘Go take a hike with your ‘she’s not my daughter’!’ she said, “I am going to put the kettle on”.
Now there was a good idea, even Burt thought.
The cow wouldn’t just disappear. It made a rather awful noise, yes, but nothing they could do about it or that, right now.
‘Where’s Thomas and Sammy?’ Burt asked surprisedly, when they sat down to actually drink their tea. He could barely hear himself think with all that mooing. It was like being interrupted by his toddler.
‘I suppose they are still asleep’, Mary-Ann replied, like nothing was different at all just now.
‘How can they be asleep when there’s a massive cow mooing all the way through the neighbourhood?!’ Burt replied, almost disgusted.
Mary-Ann noted a hint of envy.
‘Dearest, just because you awoke from that noise and woke me up, doesn’t change the fact one can shoot a cannonball next to their beds when they’re asleep. You know very well your lovely sons don’t wake up unless it’s time to play’.
Burt just looked stunned. A bit jealous, even. That his boys could sleep and not him.
‘I think we should phone the vet’, Mary-Ann said, as she took the cordless and started dialing for information. It took Burt about five minutes to reply, as he was gazing outside the glass backdoor that seperated them from the stoned backyard, which had the moaning cow in it. Neighbours were starting to become curious and gather at the gates of the garden.
Burt tried smiling to them, until he realized they were laughing at him, rather than being polite.

They knew, too, it was Eve’s presence.

He decided not to go out, as he heard Mary-Ann talking to the vet.
‘Ah yes, good idea’, she finally said.
‘…you could be here within the hour? Oh, that would be great!’ she said. Burt just took a sip from his tea. Staring at the cow, and Mrs Johnson, who just climbed over the fence as to comfort the cow.
‘Haha, species finding species’, Burt laughed sarcastically.
He thought he was allowed a rather offensive joke as the neighbours were so clearly making fun of him and his misery.
‘Come, now we go outside’, Mary-Ann said to Burt. He hadn’t even noticed she’d ended the phonecall.
‘Why, it’s there?’ Burt said, wondering why they should have to go outside while it was very obvious the cow wouldn’t move one bit.
‘Yes, but the vet says we have to keep the cow warm’, Mary-Ann said, picking up a woolen blanket from the couch.
Thomas and Sammy usually played with it and as such, it was never clean. It seemed perfect for this occasion.
‘Well, join Mrs Johnson, who seems to be singing lullaby after lullaby for that cow’, Burt said. He wasn’t lying. Mrs Johnson had a voice like a volcano, and unfortunately not a very pleasant one. Quite offkey. Mary-Ann politely joined Mrs Johnson’s presence, holding the blanket. At that point she noticed how windy it was, outside. It had to be, ofcourse. How else would a cow end up in a backyard that wasn’t even close to any farm where there were cows to be found in the first place?

‘What’s happening?’ Burt heard Thomas coming down the stairs. This made Burt slightly agitaded again.
‘What woke you up?’ he asked, highly sarcastically surprised.
‘Well, Mrs Johsons’ singing’, Thomas said, like that was obvious. He walked passed his stunned father, in his red pyjama with helicopters on it.
‘There’s a cow in our garden!’ Thomas exclaimed on a tone as if they’d just won the lottery.
‘Why is there a cow in our garden? Can we keep it? Can we call it MooMoo?’ he asked Burt. It always amazed Burt how quickly Thomas could get to the point of asking something.
‘Well, that’s a good couple of questions’, Burt said. He had no idea what to tell his son. He just took a sip of his tea, wishing it were whiskey or something else involving a lot of alcohol. That way it should be so much easier to forget about all of this.
‘Sammy!’ Thomas yelled, ‘Sammy, come! There’s a cow in our backyard! Mommy has gone out to sing with Mrs Johnson’, he was very exited to tell his little brother this news. Sammy, all of 2 years old and a bit territorial-driven, only said:
‘Not in my sandbox! Not with my new shovel!’. Then Sammy tilted his head up.
‘Can I have a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich?’ he asked politely.
Burt was quite surprised over the request of his 2-year-old, but he gave into it anyway. It was easier to distract himself with something as silly as a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich than anything else at the moment. Thomas wanted to run outside in his PJ’s.
‘No way, Thomas, at least put on a robe, or a coat, and your feet are bare’, Burt said. That was the moment Mary-Ann stepped inside again.
‘Mrs Johnson woke me up with her singing’, Thomas whined.
‘Dearest, there is a cow in the backyard crying, and you woke up by the sound of Mrs Johnson??’ she sounded surprised.
‘Yes, you have weird children’, Burt said, making a peanutbutter-jelly sandwich for his youngest.
‘What are you doing?’ Mary-Ann asked, ‘It’s not a Sunday, you’re not supposed to have a peanutbutter-jelly sandwich now!’ Burt rolled his eyes.
‘There’s a cow in our backyard, which has been moaning all night, there’s a woman singing lullaby’s for it, which woke up our lovely boys, who weren’t woken up by the sounds of that massive cow landing up in our backyard, and you are fuzzing about the fact that it’s not Sunday enough to make a bloody peanutbutter-jelly sandwich?!’
Sammy had found his way to the cupboard and just managed to get the jelly jar out there. The jar was too big and way to slippery. It fell on the kitchenfloor and broke. Sammy started crying as he saw Burt’s face, which was bright red as he was still annoyed with the nonlogic of this morning. The same red Mary-Ann also liked so much on the wall in the diningroom. Though it might be a bit agressive there.
‘I want peanutbutter-jelly!’ Sammy cried.
‘Come here love’, Mary-Ann said, taking their toddler in her arms. Sammy came to cuddle, and at that moment, Eve stepped downstairs.
‘Eeeeeeeeve!’ Thomas screamed while running happily into her arms.
‘I knew you were here!’ Thomas said, cuddling her.
‘Oh? Why? What happened?’ she asked surprised, looking at her mother and stepdad.
‘Don’t tell me you didn’t hear…’
‘…that!’ her mother finished her sentence.
‘Oh, THAT! I had my music on all night, with my noise cancelling headphones. A plane could come fly by and I wouldn’t hear a thing! But errrm…yeah, well…that’s….ooooh is that tea??’ she walked into the kitchen, as if the kettle had some sort of huge magnet in it, but genuinely distracted.
‘When did you come home?’ Mary-Ann asked her eldest.
‘Not too long ago, actually’, she admitted.
‘About an hour or two, three ago, by any chance?’ Burt asked.
‘Dude, what’s with the sarcasm? Don’t think I don’t hear it!’ Eve said, slightly offended. Then she looked at the clock.
‘Well, I think…’, she watched her clock, ‘well, yeah. That might be right?’
‘Right’, Burt said, looking at Mary-Ann with a stern face.

‘What did you do?’ Eve asked, when Burt had passed them to go shower.
‘Oh nothing, I produced you, is all. Go and have breakfast dear, all will be well, soon’

And so the day started.


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Vakantieflirt/ Summer flirt

Ik was op vakantie bij (een) Vriendin. Dat wil zeggen: zij werkte in Frankrijk op een camping (ze deed het entertainment en sporten voor de kinderen) en had een caravan waar ik ook nog wel bij in paste.

Na een klotsende busrit van ruim tien uur, spoedde ik me naar het toiletgebouw waar ik mijn record ‘blaas-legen-na-een-lange-rit’ verbrak: vijf minuten aan een stuk torpedeerde ik het witte porselein. Een orgastische fontein, mag ik wel zeggen.
De camping lag aan een schattig meertje dat na mijn actie uit z’n oevers dreigde te treden (ja, overdrijven is ook een vak..)

Maar: ik was er!

In de stralende zon.
Vriendin was ‘s ochtends aan het douchen voordat ze aan het werk moest, en ik ging eens lekker languit op m’n gat zitten. Had ik nog niet gedaan in die bus. Ik had vrijwel rechtop moeten zitten, omdat m’n benen nogal lang zijn. Opgevouwen als een harmonica, dat werk.
In bikini, gewapend met een boek, een pak koekjes (hmm bastogne koeken!) en een glas water (ik kon altijd nog doen of het wodka was, had ik bedacht), nam ik plaats op een van de plastic stoeltjes voor de caravan. Alwaar ik al gauw werd begroet door een stoppelige en vriendelijk glimlachende jongeman die zich introduceerde als Olivier. Hij kuste mijn beide wangen en nam plaats op de andere stoel. Begon een heel verhaal.
Ik verstond geen ruk van Olivier. Mijn Frans is nooit zo goed geweest. Ik glimlachte dus maar gewoon vriendelijk. Dat had hij door. Zodoende wachtte hij tot Vriendin was teruggekeerd. Toch handig, ondertiteling.
Vriendin stelde ons aan elkaar voor, vertelde dat Olivier een van haar collega’s van de camping was. Olivier bleek de lifeguard bij het meertje te zijn.
Ik zag Olivier elke ochtend terug, nam aan dat dit zijn werkroutine was. Mij op de wangen kussen, Vriendin ophalen en dan samen naar het zwembad lopen.
Na enkele dagen lag ik op een middag ook aan dat meertje. Prima toeven. Olivier kwam af en toe langs, ik leerde nog wat andere mensen kennen, ik vermaakte me wel. Op een goed moment meldde Vriendin me weliswaar dat ze het vermoeden had dat Olivier me leuk vond, maar ik hoorde het niet. Ik luisterde net naar m’n walkman. Dan krijg je dat.

Ik had mijn handen bovendien vol aan een andere fransoos, die mij en Vriendin op een middag zó hebberig had bekeken dat ik in lachen was uitgebarsten. Ik had weleens gelezen -in een of ander stoffig boekje over lichaamstaal dat ik ooit op een tweedehandsboekafdeling had ingekeken- dat mannen, als hanen, hun veren gladstrijken. Meestal met gel. In dit exemplaar zag ik meteen zo’n haan. Vandaar die snotterlach. Oeps.
Enfin. Terwijl Vriendin en Olivier enorm aan het werk waren overdag, vond ik deze flirt weer terug. Het flirten ging lekker, dus waarom stoppen?
Vriendin organiseerde een rugby spelletje, waarbij heel wat geïmproviseerd diende te worden, want nauwelijks materiaal aanwezig.
‘Kom je ook kijken?’ vroeg ze.
Eigenlijk had ik geen zin. Het was echter schuin tegenover de caravan waarin we verbleven. Geen ontkomen aan.
Ook Olivier schoof aan. Het spel was nog niet zo lang bezig, toen Vriendin over me heen kwam hangen van achteren. Prettig visueel vermaak, kennelijk. Vriendin grinnikte toen ze erop werd gewezen door een ander, vertaalde het voor me.
‘He wat?’ vroeg ik onder haar borsten door. Leuk, oorwarmers in juli.
‘We komen spelers tekort, doe je ook mee?’ vroeg ze, haar kin op mijn hoofd rustend.
‘He, nee! Ik ken helemaal geen rugby! Laat staan dat ik het kán!’ riep ik verschrikt uit.
‘Kom op, ik doe ook mee’, spoorde ze aan. Olivier keek ons vragend aan. Vriendin vroeg hem ook maar meteen. Olivier was ogenblikkelijk te porren. Ik zuchtte, stond op. Ik wist wanneer protesteren geen zin meer had
Het zal zo’n tien minuten in het spel zijn geweest, toen Vriendin zei:
‘Jemig, ik zweet me te pletter!’
“Ik ook’, gaf ik toe.
‘Ik wil eigenlijk m’n shirt uittrekken, maar er staan hier bijna alleen maar mannen, dat wordt dan, denk ik, toch verkeerd uitgelegd’, zei ze twijfelend.
‘Niet als we het tegelijkertijd doen’, stelde ik voor. Ik had het ook snikheet.
Dus hop, allebei shirt uit. Bikini’s die tevoorschijn kwamen. Gefluit van de zijkanten. Vriendin en ik die hen daarop keihard uitlachten.
Toen vervolgens Olivier de ene na de andere wilde manoeuvre maakte, waardoor eerst een stapel kleine jochies (tussen de 8 en 10 jaar) als een rij bowling pionnetjes omvielen en even later ik en Olivier zelf, werd het helemaal een dolle bende.
Toen ik opkeek, zag ik m’n flirt ineens tussen de struiken staan. Ik was meteen afgeleid, maar ook gedrevener. Ging meer in het spel op. Toen er een bal uitgenomen moest worden, keek hij me zo doordringend aan, dat ik hem het liefst terplekke een tent/ caravan /zwembad /douchehok in had gesleurd.
Helaas. Het spel was nog niet teneinde. Het werd steeds gezelliger -waarschijnlijk had het feit dat Vriendin en ik gedeeltelijk in onze zwembikini’s stonden te spelen, de ronde gedaan door de camping, zo zwart stond het ineens van de mensen aan de zijlijn. Er was ook weleens kindervoetbal geweest, en dan kwamen alleen de ouders kijken, de rest boeide het geen bal. Ik voelde me, in tegenstelling tot wat ik vooraf had gedacht, in m’n element. Olivier kneep een waterfles leeg in m’n gezicht, wat met luid geloei en geschater werd ontvangen door de rest van de menigte. Olivier was wel zo vriendelijk me weer op de been te helpen, m’n hoofd over zijn schouder. Ik keek daarop recht in de ogen van m’n flirt. Grijnzend en wel. Ik beantwoordde de blik.

Mijn flirt en ik belandden, in een fors beschonken bui, (na een spelletje pétanque) in het zwembad. Hint: nooit klotsen met dat water als je al misselijk bent. Het was prima voor een vakantieliefde.

En toen was daar nog de rel over Olivier.
Twee dagen voordat ik vertrok had hij geregeld dat we naar Castellane konden, met zijn motor. Ik moest een lange broek aan (de enige die ik bij me had) en goede schoenen. Ik denk niet dat Olivier had gerekend op een chick met legerlaarzen, maar tadaa… Dus wij op de motor, terwijl Vriendin nog moest werken. Ze wist wel dat we uit gingen, maar wist niet waarheen, of hoe laat we weer terug zouden zijn. Ik ook niet.

Castellane was prachtig. Een schattig bergdorpje, zo leek het, met overal kaarslichtjes en gezang, sprookjesachtig mooi gewoon. Kerst in de zomer. Brandende lampionnetjes in spelonken en de liefste en zoetste trappetjes die naar prachtige, kasteelachtige torentjes leidden. Het had me niet verbaasd als er engeltjes uit de struiken en nisjes tevoorschijn waren gevlogen om zoete Franse liedjes in m’n oren te neuriën. Ik kocht hier en daar wat kleine dingetjes (portemonneetjes, pennen, sleutelhangers, voor de thuisblijvers) en genoot van het prachtige zicht.
Het zal een uur of tien, elf, zijn geweest toen we uiteindelijk weer op de camping arriveerden. Ik ging terug naar de caravan die ik met Vriendin had, na een braaf kusje op m’n wang van Olivier. Ik bedankte hem vriendelijk, zoals je dat gewoonlijk doet als iemand sympathiek voor je is geweest.
Bij de caravan aangekomen trof ik een boze Vriendin.
Die was bezorgd geweest in mijn afwezigheid, maar ook boos. Overtuigd dat ik met Olivier in bed lag. Ziet u, hij gold als de plaatselijke schoonheid. Dat zag ik dan weer niet. Slank, vrolijk, een dagenbaardje, vrijwel altijd een glimlach op z’n gezicht, en altijd even vriendelijk. Zo zag ik hem. Mijn reactie was dusdanig dat Vriendin wel meteen overtuigd was dat er toch niks gebeurd was. Bovendien wist ze dat de route naar Castellane inderdaad lang genoeg was om er lang over te doen. Zelfs per motor.
‘Weet je dat hij, voordat jij kwam, me alleen af en toe kwam halen om naar het werk te gaan? Het is pas sinds jij hier bent, dat hij dat elke dag doet’, zei ze.
‘Oh. Nee, dat wist ik niet’. Ik voelde me lullig dat Vriendin zich genaaid voelde. Ik was echt zo naïef dat ik dacht dat Olivier me mee had genomen om aardig te zijn.

De volgende ochtend bleek me pas dat er nogal wat tumult was ontstaan na ons vertrek. Olivier had niemand op voorhand willen vertellen waar hij heen ging. Er waren in onze afwezigheid weddenschappen afgesloten dat we met elkaar in bed lagen.Hij was zelfs door de baas op het matje geroepen: wat hij met me uitgevogeld had?!

Ik moet eerlijk zeggen: ik heb me kapot gelachen toen ik dat hoorde. Een hele camping in oproer, en ik had geen flauw benul!


I was on a holiday with (a) Girlfriend of mine. She was actually working at a camping in France (entertainment and sports for the children), but had a caravan to her own in which I could fit aswell without a problem.

After a challenging busride of ten hours I ran to the toilet at the said camping and broke my own record of urinating-after-keeping-it-up-during-trip and torpedoed the white porcelain for a full five minutes. A quite orgastic fountain, it has to be said. The camping was situated next to a cute lake, to which I have undoubtedly contributed. Yes, exaggerting is a profession at times….

But: I was there!

In the radiating sun.
While Girlfriend was taking a shower before work, I was gonna sit down on my arse and do nothing much special for a while, thank you. I hadn’t done so in that bus, as my legs are quite tall and I had been forced to sit folded like a harmonica due to this.
In my bikini. I had found my way to a book, a package of cookies specially reserved for this moment and a glass of water, which I could easily pretend to be vodka, I’d figured. I sat down on one of the plastic lawn chairs in front of the caravan, and was soon greated by a bristly and friendly looking young man, who introduced himself as Oliver. He kissed me on the cheeks as a greet, sat down on the other chair, started a whole story. I didn’t understand a word. My French has never been too good. Oliver noticed. He waited. I had noticed he mentioned Girlfriend, so I figured she would know what to do with him.

Girlfriend introduced us to one another, told me Oliver was one of her colleagues; the lifeguard at the small lake and swimmingpool.

Oliver came to the caravan every morning, which made me assume this was his work routine. Kiss me on the cheeks, wait for Girlfriend, walk to work. 

After a few days I found myself at this lake aswell. Proper spot. I met some nice people and every now and then, Oliver came to check in. I was having quite a good time. At some point Girlfriend mentioned to me she suspected Oliver was developing feelings for me, but I didn’t hear it. I was listening to my walkman. It happens.
Besides, I had my hands full with another Frenchman who I had discovered in the days before even attending the beach. This man had been looking at both me and my Girlfriend in such a way that it had made me snort with laughter. I’d read -in a second hand book of bodylanguage I once happened to gaze into in a second hand shop- that men who intend to lure or seduce a girl/woman, literally make the gesture of ‘preening feathers’. He had done just that. I think even snot came out of my nose. Very charming…oops.
Anyway, when Friend and Oliver were at work during the day, I found back my flirt. Woohoo. We still seemed to enjoy that little game, so why stop now?
Friend organised a rugby game, which demanded quite a bit of improvisation, because there was hardly any material to begin with.
‘You’re gonna come and watch?’ she asked me.
I actually didn’t want to, but the playfield was diagonally opposite our caravan. No real way to escape.
Oliver also joined the sideline. The game hadn’t been played for that long when Friend hung over my shoulders from my back. A pleasant visual image, apparently. Friend giggled when she was informed about this, translated it for me.
‘Eh, what now?’ I asked from underneath her breasts. Nice, earmuffs in July.
‘We’re in short stock of players, are you joining?’ she asked.
‘What?? No! I don’t even know the game!’ I protested in shock.
‘Come on, I’m joining in myself’, she said. Oliver looked at us curiously, so Friend asked him to join aswell. He was in for it immediately. I sighed and caved. I knew when protesting no longer had any point.
After a little while, Friend mentioned:
‘Blimey, I’m sweating like a bastard! I actually wanna take off my shirt, but it’s only men along the sidelines. I’m afraid it will give the wrong message if I do so….’ and I told her:
‘Not if we both do it, I’m sweating like a bastard myself, come on!’ and at ‘three!’ we both removed our shirts. Whistles and clapping from the sidelines. We just laughed right into their faces.
Then Oliver proceeded to make wild manoevre after wild manoevre, leading to a lineup of boys (aged about 7 to 9) fell down like a domino play and short after, Oliver and myself, it became quite a wicked mess.
When I looked up, I suddenly saw my flirt. I was immediately distracted, but somehow also more focused into the game, wanted to show off. A ball had to be thrown in somehow, and during this happening, he looked so straight into my eyes that I really had a hard time not to yank him into the nearest tent/toilet/caravan/ shower cabin.
Unfortunately, the game hadn’t ended yet. The game was becoming more sociable -most likely due to the fact that word got round that Friend and me were playing in our bikinis- it got so very crowded at the sidelines. I got to feel more and more in my element, far more than I expected on first hand. Oliver then proceeded to squeeze a whole bottle of water into my face, which led to the crowd around us cheering and clapping. Oliver was friendly enough to pull me up again. My head over his shoulder, I looked right into the eyes of my flirt. Who was all smiles at me. I answered the smile with my smile.

My flirt and me eventually ended up in the swimmingpool, after some stiff drinks. Note to self: don’t do sloshing if you’re already feeling a bit sick….for a summerlove, it was absolutely fine, however. 

And then there was this small riot around Oliver.
Two days before I was going to leave, Oliver wanted to show me how much he liked me, by taking me on a special trip to Castellane. He had told me to wear long trousers (the only one I actually had with me) and some proper boots. I don’t think he was considering a chick with army boots, but there you had it anyway. Tadaa!
While Friend had to work, Oliver and I went away on his motorcycle. Friend didn’t know where we were going, but I didn’t know either. He hadn’t told me before we went.

The part of Castellane he showed me was incredibly beautiful. A very cute village on a hill, with small stairways and cute little chapels everywhere, lights being shone from every direction by lanterns, small tokens for stupid foreigners like me to buy (my wallet got emptied there from all the gifts I bought for people at home), it was truly amazing. We walked a bit, watched the stars, I enjoyed the beauty of this place so very much.
It must have been about eleven or twelve, when we arrived back at the camping. Oliver gave me a sympathetic peck on the cheek and I thanked him for all of his trouble and showing me a beautiful place. I returned to the caravan.
To find a heavily upset Friend. She had been worried sick and was angry  with me. She had had no idea where we went and had been convinced, by 10 PM ‘you were sleeping with him’. You see, Oliver was locally known as a ‘pretty boy’, the kind of guy that’s so pretty, everyone wants him. To me he was just a friendly, bristly guy. Sure, he was tall and slender, had a good figure and was always friendly, but the thought of looking at him like that hadn’t even crossed my mind! My response to her anger was in such a way that Friend was immediately convinced absolutely nothing had happened. When she heard we went to Castellane, she understood why I had been away for so long.
‘You know, before you arrived, he only came by every now and then to pick me up to go to work’, she told me. I was sorry Friend had been so worried, but I simply was that naive to think Oliver had just taken me on a trip to be nice. I’d seen no other signs.

The next morning it appeared there had been quite a stir after we had left. Oliver had denied anyone information as to where he was taking me. So when we left, people had been betting we were sleeping together. Even the big boss of the camping had called Oliver into his office upon our return, to ask what the hell he had done with me?!

I laughed so hard when I heard that, to be fair. A whole campingside alerted, and I had absolutely no idea! 

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Posted by on December 31, 2016 in Daily life, Humour