#meToo and ricidulous matters

This week I stumbled upon a stunning story, where a lawyer had pleaded how the way the rape victim was dressed, got him to think: she wants ‘it’.
I come from the Netherlands, where this type of nonsense was settled years ago in court, when a judge simply stated, that even if the victim was wearing a short skirt or dress, this was not to be considered an ‘open invite’ of sorts.
It is becoming more and more ridiculous, the way that men and court are making women having to proof how they were a victim of a terrible crime, rather than to be someone who ‘asked for it’.
Then I watched a film from a couple of decades ago. I had never seen it before, but I was known with the concept itself: strong man sailing/conquering the world, suddenly gains stowaways, nearly always women and children. The journey always goes that the child messes up everything that is dear to the man, the woman always tries to make man think differently, in the end they cannot live without one another.

Given that as of late, women and men are more and more puzzled by how come men and youngsters think so badly about women, I do think I’ve found my answer.
Nowadays, films and series are at least making an attempt of making everyone equal within a storyline. But the woman being an emotional burden on whatever man she meets, is still there.
Then, we also have cultural differences.
On twitter I saw a source (I’m quoting them, but am not sure they want their name in my piece, so I’m leaving that out) ‘One finding from PhD is that whilst the family is seen as the most important support network for a woman after rape&abuse, they are actually the most common source of victim blaming and self blame. Despite the blame they induce, they are still the first port of call for support’.
This makes me think about many girls and women of religious faiths, who are, on a daily base, told how to think, dress and act. If they do not obey to these rules, or something happens, they are still found to be at fault, as their religious believes usually don’t leave any space for doubt about that.
As a Moroccan-Dutch journalist wrote a while ago: ‘we have #metoo aswell, but unlike others whom this happens to, we cannot talk about it, because it is ALWAYS someone we know’. When I read that, I wanted to pull my hairs out, as I thought: wow, you REALLY missed the entire point?! The thing that #meToo showed, once and for all, is that no matter what culture you’re from, it IS always someone you know.
The difference between cultures is the blaming. In all cultures, women are doubted. In some cultures, women are told on a daily base they’re a whore if they don’t wear that headscarf, if they eat a cucumber, a carrot, a banana or whatever in front of a man.
In western culture, women are far more emancipated than men from other cultures had anticipated on. The difference shows: headscarves vs no headscarves. A difference that we’ve learned to accept, even though it goes against our principles of a woman being free to do whatever she pleases.
So far, I have mostly seen that the mindset that comes with it, is not upgraded to the western values though. That you are a worthy woman. If you say no, it’s no. You are worthy, you are equal to men.

 

Related to the #meToo subject: my book:

When The Waves Break The Silence on Pumbo https://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/when-the-waves-break-the-silence/28025
On amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Waves-Break-Silence-Lanen-Vries-ebook/dp/B07J5WPF57/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540842084&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+waves+break+the+silence&dpID=41qPIslfeuL&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

 

#meToo Sexual abuse survivors

Given the many comments I’ve read about any type of bully who claims not having abused anyone and their bystanders going ‘why didn’t s/he report it when it happened then, eh?’ because to a bully, this is apparently the only way to  ‘proof’ that anyone is stating a lie as soon as they say ‘I was abused by him/her’.

It shouldn’t be up to the bully to decide whether a story is true or not, which is the whole problem with #meToo. They are, after all, the ones who started it in the first place. Of course they want the evidence, which they’ve wiped out, to be part of the ‘proof it!’ explanation.

Aren’t they right for wanting proof of their misbehavings then? By law, of course they are. Then again, there’s visible and invisible proof that could be claimed here.
The visible proof is, apparently, the report that was written by a police officer? If you believe the bullies, this is the first thing that should be done. Even before talking to someone in confidence, because the proof should be filed at all times. Even if the offender has whispered in your ears ‘try telling anyone, and I’ll cut your throat/hurt your family/make sure you will never work again/take all your money/kill you/anything else horrible’. Of course, bullies are never sensitive for this type of behaviour. They would never let themselves be intimidated by any of that. They are bullies, this is how they live. You intimidate people until they are stiff with fear and will only do as they are told, like a good soldier.

Then there’s normal people, with actual feelings, who DO understand that an attack of the sexual act, or longterm sexual abuse, will have taken a lot of your courage. Especially when it’s met with threats of any kind, or severe mental abuse as well.
A normal human being will think: that will take some therapy to get ready to even make the possibility of it having happened for real, be manageable. Because that is what it does. When someone attacks your body, without your consent, has threatened you to do any additional harm when you go tell anyone, it feels like that perpretator has just locked your body. It is no longer yours. If you so much as tell anyone, the entire world is gonna look at you like you’re the guilty one.

It takes more than a lot of courage. It takes the world to love you and to believe you. And then a bit more. Sexual abuse is not something to take lightly. It can take more than a decade, even a couple of decades, for a victim to go out and tell his or her story.

When The Waves Break The Silence is a story about this.
https://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/when-the-waves-break-the-silence/28025 Dutch page for paperback
https://www.amazon.com/Waves-Break-Silence-Lanen-Vries-ebook/dp/B07J5WPF57/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540842084&sr=8-1&keywords=when+the+waves+break+the+silence&dpID=41qPIslfeuL&preST=_SY445_QL70_&dpSrc=srch amazon for kindle

 

When The Waves Break The Silence

When the body of a man is found on the beach of Luing in Scotland, it appears that nobody knows who he is.
He hasn’t been filed missing, nor is there anyone to claim the body. It remains a mystery who he is and what his story is, until Stella McFee, new officer in town, Lily Cochrane, intern at the local newspapers and Fiona Diggs, intern at the coroner’s office, stick their heads together.
It then appears the man has anything but a pretty past.

Based on true events, but altered for obvious reasons.

This book isn’t suitable for the under 18, contains strong language and may cause bad memories to arise. Help for the latter is included in the last pages.

 

kindle edition: https://kdp.amazon.com/amazon-dp-action/uk/dualbookshelf.marketplacelink/B07J5WPF57

paperback edition: https://kdp.amazon.com/amazon-dp-action/uk/dualbookshelf.marketplacelink/1726854302

Dutch publisher (book in English, publisher situated in the Netherlands):